Caleb+Storyboard


 * Caleb, Mr. Watson here with some comments.** You've set yourself up for a lot of action in your story with the snowboarding and the avalanche and all that. The challenge will be to show the action rather than tell it. As a lifelong snowboarder and mountaineer and snowboard instructor, I suggest that the details and science of avalanches make its way into your story to give it credibility. For example, usually the cannons are fired in the middle of the night. I'd be happy to help you along with some of that information.

But I think your most important consideration in this story is the motivation of your main characters. So he's hardcore and a ski patroller, but what is the twist that makes this more than an avalanche story. I'm reminded of the first time I took my good friend Erik rock climbing. He was an outdoorsmen, accomplished backcountry skiier, the whole thing, but he'd never been rock climbing. So after he made his first route, I asked him how it was that he'd never been rock climbing, and he shared with me how his father was a well-known rock climber, and when Erik was a teenager his father died in a rock climbing accident, that's why he'd never gone. All of a sudden, we have some material for an interesting story. See what I mean? So what is it about your character Chris that motivates him or challenges him internally. Last note about your narration. It reminds me of a style called an oral history, where all these different voice tell their part of the story, and pieced together it's the larger story. You might consider using this style for the whole thing. Great ideas, can't wait for the draft. Mr. W


 * Thank you for your advice**, the Oral history style is kind of what I was shooting for in this story. It would be really great if you could help me out with a few facts about the cannons and other ski patrol and instructor things. The reason I have it as a controlled avalanche is because it happens in the early morning, and at least once every year when I'm in a big resort, I wake up and hear loud shots of a cannon. It happened to me first in Big Sky Montana, it scared me really badly, so that's why I have it set in Montana. Thank you for your help.

(user:Chunmeista) Barryn Chun Nice story and plot. It sounds like you're narrarating it, also that it seems like an outline. Is there going to be dialogue? Of course this is your rough draft right? So I wouldn't know.

Remember to comment me about my draft on my wall
. -Chun

Big Sky Montana
 * __Setting__:**

Chris Lohnger (Protagaonist) Jimmy Vougar (3 Year old boy\interviewer) Brian O'Grady (Shop manager and ski patrol) Rose Little (Protagaonist's old girlfriend) Ricky Jones (Protagaonist's friend)
 * __Characters__:**

Interviewer talks about Protagaonist. Tells that he was saved by Chris Lohnger when he was 3.
 * __Events__:**

Rose Little interview says Chris is old boyfriend. Says he wouldn't talk about how he hurt his wrist or why he was hanging around a 3 year old in 8th grade.

Ricky Jones interviewed. Says Chris was an amazing snowboarder and a really cool friend. Says that there was one double black dimond slope that him and Rose were too scared to go down. Chris went down any way. Came down with a hurt wrist, covered in snow, and helping a little three year old, but wouldn't talk about it.

Interviewer talks to Brian O'Grady. Brian says that Chris was a devoted snowboarder. Says he made the most specific tune up orders and always knew the type of board he wanted. Said he broke boards a lot and would always talk about how it happened. Came in once with a completl**e**y trashed board and wouldn't talk about it. Said his wrist was in a splint and his face was cut up. He found bark and gravel on the edges of the board. Brian tells interviewer to find a Ski instructor called CR in Big Sky, said he would know more about Chris.

CR ends up being Chris. Chris tells story about the double black dimond where he hurt his wrist. Tells how he saved a little kid from an avalanch**e** that started while Chris was on the slope. Said he didn't want to talk about it because he didn't want all of the attention. Starts telling why he did it and what was going on through his mind. Said he didn't know why the kid was there in the first place.

Interviewer reveals that he is Jimmy Vougar, the kid Chris saved from the Avalanch**e**. Says that he was with his mom about to go down his first ever blue slope when a gust of wind came and blew him onto the ground. With the wind cam a flur**r**y of snow that didn't cease. He got up and found someone he thought was his mom, and started going down the slope he thought was an easy blue. The person he though was his mom ended up being Rose, and the blue slope was actually a treacherous double black bowl that Chris was about to go on.

The story begins to unfold, and starts being told from four perspectives. Chris said that he heard a rumbling and assumed that he was nearing the chair lift. The snow began to come down harder and faster, but it seemed to Chris that it was coming from behind him. He looked back and saw it coming. A full blow avalanche coming right at him in this steep bowl. That's when he noticed the little boy. He was laying on the ground crying, his skies were off and he was almost parallel to Chris. There was a tree in front of the boy, and if Chris went to pick him up, the onslought of snow might throw him into the tree and bury him and the boy there. Chris took the risk anyway and saves the boy.

In the end, it is discovered that the run was closed for risk of avalanche, and the cannon was shot as Chris was starting the run. The canon is ment to start an avalanch**e** under ski patrol's conditions so that skiers aren't hurt. The sign saying that the run was closed had been knocked over by wind an buried with snow. The cannon had sounded far off to Chris, but it was really just farther up the mountain.

Jimmy talks to Brian and Chris at the same time and finds out that Brian was a member of ski patrol at the time and knew about the avalanche. It was the only avalanche that he was allowed to fire the canon for, so he remembered the run that it was for. When Jimmy asks Chris the name of the run, it ends up being the run that was schedualed for a controlled avalanche started by Brian.