Zach+First+Draft

Dream On

I was ripping down that hill going full throttle. I felt like an engine on fire and the wind was rushing through my red hair, and tearing up my composed, hazel eyes. I could see Turk waiting at the bottom right in my path with the camera. "Dude. Get the hell out of the way!" I screamed. "Wait man. This is a good shot." God, he was dumb. I was going to run him right over. I was racing down that slope at 1000 miles per hour with nothing to stop me. He would have died if I hadn't swerved off to the left right into Ms. Calaway's delicately arranged flower orchard. She hated kids like us hanging around her house. We made a lot noise. But it's her fault. She's the one that lives right at the bottom of the crazy hil0l. Turk and I actually live about two miles up from here. But this was a good skateboarding spot. "Oh no man. You think she's up and she heard that?" "Nah man, come one lets just go. Hurry, were going to be late for school." I snatched my bag and jumped back onto my board with acrobatic ease. Turk was following close behind on his. "You know how dumb you are?" I asked rhetorically. No reply. We just kept riding for the last mile to school. The sun was just beginning to rise and you could see all the smog at this time. The sky was a transparent brown-orange color, like a thin canvas stretched across a incandescent lamp. It's disgusting. Living in San Diego had its cons. Overall, it's a pretty nice place to live I guess. In the distance you could hear someone yelling, "Those damn kids again!" Turk and I just laughed. "Well at least I got the shot. It's pretty good Charlie." he finally replied. "Yeah, I wanna see it after class."

Turk and I have been best friends since kindergarten, when our parents were looking for people to carpool with to get to school. We were like Batman and Robin. Always sticking together when getting into some sticky situations. I could tell you a lot of things about my best friend that he wouldn't want anyone to know. Like this one time when we were at camp, and he took a crap in his pants during the day hike because there was no toilet. But that's not even the worst. I would never betray my best friend though. I know he wouldn't betray me either. So for now I'll just tell you that he has light brown hair, blue eyes, and a great smile That's the one thing that gets me when I'm angry with him. The rest of our life stories are pretty boring and standard. So you don't want to hear about that.

We were just coming up to school when Truman and his posy intercepted us in the quad. Truman always meant trouble. Whether, you were at school, or just hanging at the mall. "Hey buttercup" he cackled sarcastically. His little group of friends were giggling like girls behind him. They were all just a bunch of cowards. It was all about the image. Except for Truman. He really was a coldhearted bully that did everything a bully did. He had the wild, gelled up hair, the leather Harley Davidson jacket, the evil grin. I swear he looked like a hyena. All his buddies were just vultures waiting to pick on the remains he left of his victims. I hated every bit of him. I guessed he was here today to "borrow" my CD again. "What the heck do you want this time Truman?" "You know what I want you little punk. Come on, you better have brought that CD for me." He always wants to borrow my stuff. However, I do not like sharing my CDs. I'm a huge music person. I love lots of different ranges of music. But my favorite has to be Pink Floyd. I can't say why. I just like their kind of music. Anyway, that's the CD Truman wanted. No way in hell was he getting that one. "No. I don't have it." I proclaimed. "Of course you do, buddy." he sneered in a cynical tone. "Lets go. I want that CD." "Hey screw you" yelled Turk. Bad idea. I really don't think he should have said that. Turk wasn't the smartest guy. He knew I could usually stick up for myself but he always wanted to be tough. "What did you say?" asked Truman, looking as though he was ready to punch anyone. "You're just a-" -RING RING. The bell. Thank god it's time for class. "Come on Turk. Lets not be late."

Turk and I really weren't the coolest kids at school. We often got picked on and bullied around, but none of that really mattered because I had my best friend. Everyday of school was basically the same. I didn't really like school and I couldn't wait for the day to be over. It was a friday when it happened. We were riding home from school that evening and the sun was just going down. The clouds were arranged almost by human hands it seemed. It looked like orange and pink paint carelessly smeared across the sky. Somehow it made me stop and i felt the weirdest feeling you could ever imagine. You couldn't explain it. I just felt like I wanted to fall asleep right there. Turk stopped too and I could tell he was experiencing that same feeling. All of the sudden I saw a black shadow streak across in the corner of my eye. It frightened me beyond comprehension and I jumped up and scared the hell out of Turk. I began to feel extremely anxious and sort of scared after that and just wanted to get home. The sun was all the way down now and the clouds were invisible, but still there, strewn across the nighttime scene. However, the scary part was that the moon was nowhere to be seen. Goose-bumps ran through my whole body. I just kept feeling all of these different emotions at once and I couldn't tell why. Then in the distance I saw a black cat grooming itself completely oblivious to everything around it. I tried to shake off the feeling by doing something active. "Hey Turk. Look at that cat. You think we can catch it?" "Haha. Seriously? Okay lets go for it." he replied enthusiastically. Turk and I were pretty good at catching small animals like cats. We didn't torture them or anything, but it was fun to just corner them. We began to creep up around the cat, still sitting like a brick just licking its paw. Then out of no where we broke into a sprint towards the feline but when we came up to it, it just kept its ground and stared, licking its paw. It was extremely awkward and unexpected. Its eyes were a vintage yellow and it was so skinny you could see it's ribs. The cat looked tremendously old and withered. I began to wonder how it survived out at night. I began to feel sorry for it and wanted to stroke it. I began to but Turk interjected and held my hand back. "What are you doing? That thing looks diseased." "I don't know. It's a weird cat yeah?" I murmured, coming to my senses. "Well catching it was pretty-" Then, without warning, the cat whipped around and gave me a nice big gash right on my shin with its large, overgrown nails. All of the sudden it just ran like a bullet. Literally, it moved faster than my eye could have caught. I automatically locked target and dashed right after it. That cat was tremendously fast and it was racing right towards the gulch. Let me tell you, that gulch was scary. It was gloomy and filled with ill-lighted creatures. Few people went into it. I wasn't afraid though. I was wanted that cat so bad so I could tear its guts out. Without thinking, I dove into the undergrowth, full of rage. I didn't even know exactly where the cat went. It was somewhere in there though. Determined to decapitate the thing, I kept my search going, but found it was in vain. I wheeled around and started trudging my way back to the street through the green wasteland. In the distance I could see the streetlights flickering on and off like fireflies. When I got back, Turk was just standing there patiently waiting for me. "No luck" I said. "Dude. No way could you have caught that thing. It was out of there. Good try though." We both walked the rest of the way home, holding our boards because it was late. The moon was still nowhere out there and I found it quite peculiar. That feeling of emptiness and floating emotions still lingered within me.

It wasn't until later that evening after I got home that I remembered my injury. It didn't really hurt at all, but it was a huge gash. I was limping towards the bathroom to dress it with gauze when all of the sudden I came to an abrupt halt and fell to my hands and knees. Unable to move, I felt completely immobilized and suddenly a rush of adrenaline ran through my body. It was electrifying. I began to transform and feel hair grow out of every pore on my body. My arms and legs started contract into shorter, nimbler limbs. And my hands morphed into paws with sharp, pearly white claws. I could see the color fading from my vision as blue became grey, and red became yet another shade of grey. Now, having undergone my full transformation, I sat there and stared out the near window. Out of impulse, I leapt up higher than I ever imagined and landed on the windowsill. Peering out of the glass, a feeling of direction came to me and I plopped down onto the stone tile once more and swiftly slipped through the door. I began my journey towards Truman's home.

The night was full of life I never noticed before. I heard insects performing nightly tasks such as gathering food, and scourging for any little scraps. It was interesting and curious. As I was trotting along the dark sidewalk, I came across the spot where Turk and I saw the violent cat. I kept going and soon approached the bully's house. All of the lights were extinguished inside and it was the perfect opportunity to make my attack. With my slick body, I flew through the back doggy door and into the living room. I didn't know where Truman's room was, but I could find it. I quickly made my way upstairs without a sound and into the hyena's cave. His room was a mess. It was littered with smelly clothing and trash was spread everywhere. With my newly acquired sense of smell, I picked up scents of the horrifying odors. I then spotted him sleeping carelessly, hanging halfway off his bed with his hair sweeping the floor. I found it pretty amusing. I just watched for a while, wishing I could have brought Turk along to see this. But I had something I needed to do. Bringing my paw up to his face level, I smashed it into and across his face, feeling my claws dig deep into his flesh. He leapt up almost immediately and his scream ran through the house. Dashing down the stairs I heard noises coming from other parts of the house. At that moment I began to realize that I came in through a //doggy// door. I remembered I was only a cat. That frightened the hell out of me and I ran even faster. However, I was a bit too slow. From the side, a force, unbearably strong knocked me to my back and into a corner, just feet from the exit. Staggering back up to my feet, I made a run for it again and barely got out with snarling teeth right at my backside.

A little injured, I didn't' know where to go. I didn't even know what led me to Truman's house in the first place. I took the same route back to my house past the spot where we saw the cat. It was there again, licking its paw under a streetlight like before. Without thinking, I staggered over to it and it finally turned its head in my direction. We made eye contact and the last thing I remembered was me taking a bath and drowning. Drowning in water I couldn't swim in. Then I finally awoke. The color was back in my surroundings and I could see Turk smiling, and the school nurse looking down on me while my vision expanded and cleared up. They were squirting water on my face and repeating my name. "What- what happened?" I said, forcing it out of my dry throat. "Man. You got whacked my Truman pretty hard. How ya feeling?" "I don't know. Wow. I had the crazie-" "It's okay. Just relax. You'll be alright. You're lucky your friend saved you." interrupted the school nurse. After about another 15 minutes of lying on the health room bed, I got up and found my balance. I told the nurse I was feeling fine just to get her off my back. I asked Turk how long I was down for. He said about two hours. We took off towards our next class down the hall and then Turk noticed something. "Hey, what's that scratch on your leg." He asked Looking down, I also saw the ugly gash on my shin. Then, a noise made me look up. In the far end of the hall, I spotted Truman walking out of the bathroom with his face all scratched up whining like a baby. "What happened to him?" I questioned. "Oh, after he punched you out, I gave him a shove right into the thorn bushes. It felt good." "Haha. Well that is a pretty nice disfigured face he has. Nice" I laughed. Then, I took notice of my shin again and remembered everything that happened in that crazy dream. I began to wonder, could dreams really come true?

- Are my characters realistic?

- Did I show the physical / personality traits of the characters through many of these: description, dialogue, narrator’s opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions?

- Are my descriptions complete and detailed?

__****I think your story's plot is interesting based on your zero draft and I really like your voice within the story you have written so far. Some stuff that you might want to work on is to make your story flow a little bit more smoother. You could do this by getting rid of some unnecesssary sentences or combine some of the short sentences together. You might also want to check over your grammer within your story, but overall it's pretty good.__