Andrew's+Rough+Draft

Andrew Wei 3/6/08


 * The bold are my suggestions/corrections**

The air is thick. As I walk down the dirt-stained sidewalk, the muddy colored sun piecing **pacing?** through the dark shadows of what had been clouds. The occasional wheeze from a passerby, trying to catch their breath with the poison that once was air. Keeping my chin close to my chest, as I try to make myself look inconspicuous. The leaves of**The brown leaves?** brown cover**covered** the ground, constantly caressing my worn-out shoe, which had once enveloped with soft green grass. I made my way toward the red hues, of what had once been a green park bench. I find **?**, and sit on the half of the bench, which now are provided with shade from the dead, or dying tree, which protects me, like a lion would protect its child, from the blistering heat.


 * Is your story past or present tense?**
 * I like your word choice and your descriptions**

My story got started from the time before the time that I had even been born. You might say, "That’s not possible!" but I say that it is. You see, we are born into a world that already has problems. My problem, like many others, had been happening long before I was born. I was born on July 5th, 1993, in the city of Honolulu. I was born in the great state of Hawaii, where the air was clean, the land, and oceans were beautiful, and best of all, the people were nice. However great that this had been, it had not lasted. My childhood would be what you would call almost perfect. My parents, being new immigrants came from different countries, and met in Hawaii during college. They had many challenges that they needed to overcome as they came here. They were dirt-poor **good phrase**, having little or no money at all here. They had to go to college, and work almost everyday just to survive. On Sundays, they had to go to the flea market, and open a stand. Selling various things, mostly trinkets, to tourist that were too cheap to go to the tourist parts of Hawaii. This insight to my parents, although may have been completely meaningless to you, is the real foundation of my childhood. Being raised by these hardworking individuals, who devoted most of their time, and effort just to give my brother and I a life that wouldn't be hard like theirs.

Oh, I didn't tell you I had a brother? That’s unfortunate, because he had been the first friend that I had ever had **that I ever had (don't make it wordy)**. Born three years before me, he actually felt the poorness **poverty?** of the family **give examples of how**. When I was born, our family had made a few more coins, then when my brother was**???**. When my brother was born, my mother would carry him to the flea market, to open up **a?** shop. Which in fact, are my brothers **did you mention you had another brother?** first memories. Times were different when I was born; my parents found a retail space two years after my brother was born, to set up shop. **The previous sentence does not make sense to me. Go back and re-read your paragraph and make changes as necessary.** This place had far more customers there, and life was a little bit easier (still quite difficult though). The shop, now being the place where I would explore as a little child, had been my first memories. I would sleep behind the counters, when there were no customers, and play with cardboard boxes outside. Growing up was simple, but as I progressed during the years. Fun got more complex.
 * I am confused. Is this story in future or present tense?**

My childhood, being what it was, had solid foundations. Going to preschool was the next step ahead from me. During my years through school, from preschool to high school, had been all in the same neighborhood. **The previous sentence does not make sense to me.** Nothing great happened during preschool, or nothing that I can remember at least. I remember those years to be one giant puddle of laughter, and games. After preschool, I moved into Maryknoll school, a Christian school. I really didn't quite like that school, because in size, it was just as big as a swimming pool. It really wasn't that small, but it seemed like it. Also, the campus looked like a jailhouse. All they needed were barbed wire on the top of the fences. I also didn't quite like the Christian aspect of it. I mean, if it was just a light influence it would be okay, but they really forced it onto you. The only good things that I remember from those years are the teacher. Some of the teachers there were quite good, and actually understood the children, while others were just strict stiff teachers, that you could feel might snap at anytime like a pencil. However that school felt like, I still learned quite a lot from.**?** For example, that school was where fun started to get more complex.**? Doesn't really connect with the other sentence.** I remember one specific incident. Nothing that significant, only my first trip to the principle's office. I really didn't think that what I did really deserved a trip to the principle's office. From what I remember, it was no big deal. //**try not to use "i remember __" just try to transition into the story.**//

From where I was standing, the silver from the fence gleaming**?** from all directions, I was gathered with many kids about my age. Shuffling around, I notice a kid that was trapped inside of a small "cage" all it was, was a small piece of land that was completely enveloped with fence. There had only been one exit to that fence. I never really knew why he went into there. The kids on the other side of the exit, were blocking it, and not letting the kid come out. **What kid?** For some reason, I decided to be one of those kids. I wouldn't let the kid out, and whenever he would try, we would hold the door in place. From my perspective, it was fun as hell, but probably from his, it was hell. Thinking back on the incident now, If I had been the one that was stuck inside of the cage, I would've freaked, and started crying. Well, from there a trip to the principle's office ensued. The reason why I didn't think that was anything was because of the fact that my parents weren't notified about this incident. I mean, if they were, I would have been very disappointed. I really didn't want to let my parents down. //**could you maybe use this point in your story as a metaphor for anything? like at some other point, when you felt somehow trapped? and then you could draw connections between the kid and you?**//

Now, coming to think of it, another reason why //**you don't have to say "another reason why"**// I didn't really like that school was because I don't really remember having any friends there. I mean, I remember playing tag, and all, but I don't really remember having any best friends, or any group that I really hanged out with. Well, I don't mean I was the freak child or anything that nobody wanted to hang out with. I just really wasn't that social. **This doesn't really have anything to do with the previous paragraph though... try coming up with a transition paragraph**

From that school, I transferred across the street to the school next to it. Immediately on the first day of school, I felt a connection that I didn't feel with my previous school. This school had been way older than the last, however, also being many times larger also. **You already said "also"** This school had measured seventy-seven acres. Punahou had been the largest learning experience that I had ever experienced. //**can you use a different word so as not to use the word experience twice?**// From the various camps, to the teachers there, I had picked up so much from this school.

On the start of fourth grade, I had actually been quite frightened to go to Punahou. I don't mean being scared in a way of horror. I was scared, because I really didn't know anyone that went there, except for my brother. My brother had actually been the reason why I wanted to go to Punahou. I entered Punahou right after he did. His first year in Punahou was the 6th grade, coming from the school I had last gone to too. I was quite young at the time, and I just wanted to be like my brother. When he did something, like change schools, I felt that I had to be close to him, and therefore switch schools. Unlike what you might think, Punahou is one of the hardest schools to get into. My brother had actually tried (and failed) three times, and finally got into Punahou on his last year. When he finally made it in, I decided to try. However, unlike him, I had gotten in on my first attempt. I felt profoundly proud of this fact because I beat my brother, and I was actually a year younger than everyone else that had made it in. You see, I was late born, being born in July. I had thought that they would make me repeat third grade when I entered Punahou, but that was not the case. I believe that I //**did**// extraordinarily well on the entrance exams. Maybe, they just needed students, whatever it was, it made me feel good. Before going to Punahou, all I really knew about the school was that I would go across the street, and go to the carnival just about every year. Other than that, I didn't know anything. Stepping into that room fourth grade room may have been the most clueless thing that I had ever done. I mean clueless because I had no idea what was gonna happen next. The reason why I liked Punahou so much was probably because of the first day of school. //**maybe dont use** **"the reason i.." at the beginning of your sentences, and instead, state it differently.**// On the first day, I was assigned a buddy, to lead me around places, cause I was totally clueless. You might be thinking that I was so ridiculously clumsy that I didn't know where anything was. The fact of the matter was, that everyone new was assigned a buddy. I hung out with him, but he really didn't turn out to be my friend after a while. I don't mean that in any negative way, I just mean that I didn't hang out with him after a certain while. This was one of the reasons why I enjoyed Punahou so much. There were so many opportunities during the year. That very year, we took a trip to the big island, and about every year after that, we would go to a camp. //**the camp part doesnt fit in with the rest of the paragraph.**//

One thing I forgot to tell you was the environment that I grew up in. By environment, I mean, the trees, the sky, and the ocean. Because I had been born and raised in Hawaii, it was almost the exact same temperature all year round. The air smelled fresh, and the sky was blue with assorted puffs of white. The environment that I lived in was great, or so I thought. During the summer before my first year in High school, I was taking summer school classes. I was taking ISS, which stood for introduction to social studies. We covered various topics, including history, politics, etc. However, when we got into government, each group of students were supposed to randomly choose a party of the government, democrat, republican, etc. We were supposed to give a presentation, and get people to vote for our group. Our group had chosen the green party. This is where it got interesting. I really didn't know that a green party existed at all, however, I started to research it. //**this part is kind of random, the part about the green party, and ISS. if you can fit it in somehow, to make it flow with the story, that would be good.**//

Well, things progressed well at Punahou. I graduated with the class of 2011, and I went to one of the Ivy League college, nothing special for a Punahou kid. College went by smoothly. I did the exact same routine throughout the years, and eventually graduated with a degree in engineering. I was immediately offered a job from some company in Los Angeles.

You see, the company that I worked for didn't turn out to be the, "Clean, Efficient, Innovative" company that they claimed to be. In fact, they were far from it. Now, being environmentally friendly was a big issue being twenty years after the beginning of my story. The world had change, and not for the better. The pollution was getting worse, and people around the globe were feeling the overwhelming heat waves that would pass over us like a burning tsunami. I learned these secrets when I was working burning the midnight oil doing an all-nighter by myself at the office. When I was browsing through the files on the computer, I happened to stumble unto some business documents. I found that the company had been publishing fraudulent environmental reports to the government. I found that in fact, that they were the largest pollutant company in the world. They had disposed of electronic equipment wrongly, and using old and outdated methods to manufacture equipment. I was shocked; it was like a punch in the face, actually, several. I mean, the first reason that I had chose this company was because of their great reputation of being a great company. And second, I didn't know what to do with these reports. The right thing to do would be to give these to the police, but the devil on my shoulder kept on telling me not to. If I were to hand them in, my career would crash, burn, and explode.

Morning, noon, afternoon, nighttime passed excruciatingly slowly. The feeling of immobilization paralyzing you, as you think about the options that you have, however many there were. It was hell, there wasn't much I could do, and the lack of sleep really didn't help either. At night, I would just lie on my bed and think. This was a lose-lose situation. No matter what I would do, I would be in a terrible position nonetheless. But, deep inside, I knew that if I wouldn't tell, that the feeling of guilt, and embarrassment would stay with me forever.

You could probably figure out what I did. And, as I sit in the park right now, I believe that I made the right choice. Even though I'm back to square one, I know that I won't be the one to blame when our world is hell.

//**yeah, this part is confusing. because in your beginning you started off at a different point, but you said it in present tense. but this is also in present tense.. im assuming, and its at a different point than the beginning of the story.**//
 * In the beginning you were referring to the past, but now you are referring to the future. I'm confused by your time setting.**

hi andrew, your story is a little confusing, because you skip around from present tense, to past tense, to like, future present tense. i dont think you actually need the beginning part of your story, it actually makes it more confusing because it doesn't have much to do with the rest of the story. you can actually start from "my story got started from..." also, i think you need a little more of a plotline, like one climactic point in the story that is a turning point of the story. the other events can lead up to it, but i think there should be like, one point in which you come to a resolution or something. i like all the detail you put into describing how you felt about certain points in your life. it helps the reader to understand where you're coming from and also shows who you are through your opinions. just, keep with the main topic of your paragraph, and try not to add a couple sentences about a different topic. just follow through with the topic, and make your transitions between paragraphs a little smoother. great job! mari (my feedback is the bold, italicized)

[ideas for the future, talk more about punahou school, the history, explain the problem, how I found out, the after high school in college, the brief overlay when I was questioned my beliefs, and how it affected my job, letting the world know.]