Barryn+Chun's+Wall

Barryn Chun (Profile) Zero Draft Active Draft Rough Draft Final Draft

(user:Chunmeista) The only feedback question I have is What can I add?

(user:cwatson) Barryn, I think you don't need to add anything. You won't be able to fit your entire life story in this story. Choose just one small significant event, then describe it as best you can. Try to capture the emotion of the event. So pick one chapter and start writing. Mr. W

(user:Chunmeista) But when I actually do write something, I want to know what I can improve on. But that's later.

(user:76.249.246.220) I agree with Mr. W. This story is supposed to be like 2-4 pages, and though I can tell you put a lot of effort into it, I don't think you will be able to fit it all. Either choose one event or very briefly explain a few. Good storyboard though! : ) Cara

(user:CalebGrady) So far your story looks interesting. It looks a lot like __The Catcher in the Rye__. From what I can see from your story board, it looks like one of those books that keeps you reading by giving you just enough information to understand the book, but not enough to let you know everything, making the reader want to read on and soak up every tiny detail written in the story. I look forward to reading your story.**-Caleb**

(user:singergurl983) "Rumors spread over the entire grade like a wild epidemic of the Black Plague. I will not even mention that name again." Loving this one, man. Nice nice language here.

"He used to be a nice calm person who knew a whole lot about birds, but before you knew it, he became the class clown and one arrogant S.o.A.B."

that should read, arrogant S.O.B, fyi.

"First thing I made was a parody of Sexyback – Justin Timberlake called Chinaback (using an instrumental). People got a kick out of that." Quit being modest. Everyone knew chinaback. Everyone. People in China knew about chinaback. It was epic.

"I fell flat like a pancake, faster than you can say “holy shit.” Several other people piled on me, with me acting like a pillow, but more fragile than one." Alright, man. The first sentence is good, but if you read the second out loud you'll notice that two "me"s that close together sound a bit awkward. I would suggest: "Several other people piled up on me, like I was a pillow, only more fragile." Or something of the sort. You get it, right?

All in all, I really liked your story. You have great voice. -Anna