yassaman

Here is my rough draft of my intro.:

“Time to go//(need puncuation mark here)//” yelled out dad. “Coming//(here too)//” I yelled back softly as I closed my jewelry box. Summer had begun. The sun was shining, kids were screaming, ice-creams were melting and I was jumping. Every summer my family and I go out to our beach house out in Florida for the whole summer. We spend our time relaxing on the soft sand while we shut our eyes and let the sun sparkle on our delicate skin. “C’mon kiddo”, were gonna miss our flight(//here too)//” my dad shouted loud enough that the whole neighborhood probably heard him. I hurried quickly out my door, making a loud squeak that sounded like a seal. Stomping down the stairs making some of the dust sprinkle around the air. “I’m here, I’m here,” I said in exaggeration. Boom! Made the sound of the trunk as my dad finished putting our luggage in the back of the car. “Okay, let’s go//(here too)//” my dad said happily, while he put his black sunglasses in his pocket and his Yankees cap on his head. His wide smile was hurting my tired brown eyes as the sun reflected into his bright white teeth. It was 5:00 in the morning and my eyes were too weak to stay up for another second. For some reason it was too sunny for this time of day. “Hey Dad?” “Yeah?” “Can I go get a soda? It’s the only thing that will keep me awake//(here too)//” I said weakly. “Sure thing scourt//(squirt)(here too)//” my dad said in a way that made him sound like a circus clown. I dragged to the kitchen stuck my hand in the refrigerator and brought out a can of Pepsi. I opened the soda so quickly that I didn’t even realized I had spilled a few drops of it on my brand new white shirt that I just got from 5th Avenue. I didn’t care; I was too tired. You know teenagers; sometimes they’re just so tired that they don’t even care when they spill some Pepsi on their new shirt. “Oh man,” I said sadly. “Mom is gonna be so mad//(here too)//” I said while I was wiping the stain. That didn’t help. //“Where’s that to go Tide marker when I need it? Hmm… Oh well, I’ll just blame it on Halie.” (doesn't need to be quoted)// Halie is the kind of girl who thinks she’s always right even though she’s not. She always goes through my stuff and she can be really abnocious sometimes. But when there are times where you’re far away from your friends, it can be fun to hang out with her. I grabbed my soda back from the kitchen counter and took a big sip. The cold Pepsi slowly slid down my throat as if it was riding a water slide. But unlike a water slide, the Pepsi gets to settle in my stomach. “Lucky Pepsi” I joked to myself. I walked back out of the kitchen holding my Pepsi, which was giving me a “hand freeze”. I kicked my soccer ball that had been lying in the middle of the hallway. I bumped the ball down into the basement stairs. It made loud thumping noises. My parents and Halie were sitting in the car by the time I opened and locked the front door. I rushed into the mini van. I sat through the drive to the airport starring outside the window. Watching birds fly in the sky and resting on branches of trees, viewing men in suits walking out of Starbucks with their late and taking a bite out of their blueberry muffins with the newspaper under their arms. I took a quick look at my sister; she was sound asleep, her brown eyes hidden behind her lids and her black short hair sticking up from the static of the car seat. I chuckled.

//Yeah, you gotta watch out for the dialouge. Whenever you have a quote, you have to put a punctuation mark after it, unless you are just thinking it, or putting emphasis on it. Wherever it says (here too) it means you have to put a punctuation mark there. All corrections are made in italics.//

Here is my final draft:

Ocean Adventures Yassaman Moazami

“Time to go**,**” yelled out dad. “Coming**!**” I yelled back softly as I closed my jewelry box. Summer had begun. The sun was shining, kids were screaming, ice-creams were melting and I was jumping. Every summer my family and I go out to our beach house in Florida for the whole summer. We spend our time relaxing on the soft sand while we shut our eyes and let the sun sparkle on our delicate skin. “C’mon kiddo**,** we’re gonna miss our flight!”, my dad shouted loud enough that the whole neighborhood probably heard him. I hurried quickly out my door, making a loud squeak that sounded like a seal. Stomping down the stairs making some of the dust sprinkle in the air. “I’m here, I’m here,” I said in exaggeration. Boom! Made the sound of the trunk as my dad finished putting our luggage in the back of the car. “Okay, let’s go” my dad said happily, while he put his black sunglasses in his pocket and his Yankees cap on his head. His wide smile was hurting my tired brown eyes as the sun reflected into his bright white teeth. It was 5:00 in the morning and my eyes were too weak to stay up for another second. For some reason it was too sunny for this time of the day. “Hey Dad?” “Yeah?” “Can I go get a soda? It’s the only thing that will keep me awake” I said weakly. “Sure thing squirt,” my dad said in a way that made him sound like a circus clown. I dragged to the kitchen, stuck my hand in the refrigerator and brought out a can of Pepsi. I opened the soda so quickly that I didn’t even realized I had spilled a few drops of it on my brand new white shirt that I just got from 5th Avenue. I didn’t care; I was too tired. You know teenagers; sometimes they’re just so tired that they don’t even care when they spill some Pepsi on their new shirt. “Oh man, Mom is gonna be so mad**.**” I said sadly while I was wiping the stain. That didn’t help. “Where’s that Tide To Go marker when I need it? Hmm… Oh well, I’ll just blame it on Halie.” Halie is the kind of girl who thinks she’s always right even though she’s not. She always goes through my stuff and she can be really obnoxious sometimes. But when there are times where you’re far away from your friends, it can be fun to hang out with her. I grabbed my soda back from the kitchen counter and took a big sip. The cold Pepsi slowly slid down my throat as if it was riding a water slide. But unlike a water slide, the Pepsi gets to settle in my stomach. “Lucky Pepsi” I joked to myself. I walked back out of the kitchen holding my Pepsi, which was giving me a “hand freeze”. I kicked my soccer ball that had been lying in the middle of the hallway. I bumped the ball down into the basement stairs. It made loud thumping noises. My parents and Halie were sitting in the car by the time I opened the locked, front door. I rushed into the mini van. I sat through the drive to the airport starring outside the window. Watching birds fly in the sky and resting on branches of trees, viewing men in suits walking out of Starbucks with their latte and taking a bite out of their blueberry muffins with the newspaper tucked under their arms. I took a quick look at my sister; she was sound asleep, her brown eyes hidden behind her lids and her black short hair sticking up from the static of the car seat. I chuckled. “We’re here,” my mom blurted out, breaking the silence. Halie wiggled a little, slowly opening her eyes. Her hair looked like she was trampled by two sophomore football players. “Uh Halie, ya might wanna fix your hair,” I said as I smiled and undisguised my clever look. Halie quickly licked the tip of her fingers and stroked her hair. I stumbled a little getting out of the mini van as I had almost stepped on a wandering crab. It’s legs stepping carefully on the sand and avoiding any rocks along the way. I looked out to the glistening ocean and took a deep breath as the wind twirled around in my hair. Halie grabbed a tiny white rock from the ground and pitched it into the sea. As the rock touched the sea a splatter of the salty water flew up and back down. Almost like a roller coaster. “Melanie, Halie, grab your suitcase**,**” dad called out. I walked to the trunk and pulled out my red Calvin Klein suitcase. Halie climbed into the back and pushed her princess suitcase down on the ground. We both dragged our suitcases through the sand and onto the porch. It was a red porch with a glassy table with four green cushioned chairs and a barbecue. On the table I spotted my red bucket, yellow shuffle and my beach ball lying there, just as I remembered it. Halie passed me and gave me a look. I read her irritated face. Then suddenly on the corner of my eye, I spotted something. I turned to face the mysterious figure. It was a young girl, about my age. Her long blond hair swirling behind her. She was wearing a light blue tank top, green shorts and orange flip-flops. Her flip-flops soaked into the sand as she walked. Her arms to her side as she walked. I had never seen her here before, “She must be new,” I muttered to myself as I looked down on the porch floor. I looked back up and she had disappeared. I opened the door as I took one last look at the flowing ocean, watching the waves tumble every few seconds. “There you are,” my dad spoke in relief. “Yup,” I answered back in a surprise motion. “So what do you girls wanna do first?” he asked starring down at Halie and I. “I wanna play in the sand,” Halie replied in excitement as she jumped up and down clapping her hands.

ONE WEEK PASSED

“I’m going for a walk dad,” I shouted as I opened the door. I walked peacefully on the beach directing my eyes towards the sea. The sea was vibrating, the seagulls were flying, ducking down and stroking their wings along the sea. I had walked a mile. Then I looked deeper into the sea and saw something gray sticking out of the ocean. I couldn’t tell what it was. I thought I was hallucinating, so I continued my walk. I hadn’t seen the girl until Tuesday morning. I was reading my book, Twilight, then suddenly I heard screaming. I jumped on the couch of the family room and looked out the window. The girl was drowning; her arms were swinging around the air as she tried to keep her self above the surface. She ducked up and down, shouting. The splashing made the water bounce around. Then I suddenly realized she wasn’t drowning, exactly. She was being attached by a shark. I had to think fast. What should I do? I slipped into my flip-flops, pushed the front door open and ran towards the beach. I started swimming towards the poor girl. I swam as fast as I could, bringing my arms up and sinking them back into the water as I pointed my toes and kicked. I shuddered at the fact that I didn’t have a weapon to fight the shark. But I was sure there was something under the sea. So I arched my back with my arms out and together and I sailed down under the water, like a submarine. I swam like a frog going deeper and deeper down. Then, something spotted my eye. It was a metal rod. I snatched it and swam back up. I took a long deep breath as soon as my nose stuck out of the sea. I started swimming again towards the girl. I was getting tired, my hair was soggy and my clothes were dragging me down from the water that had been soaked up. My eyes were red and stinging but I kept going. I was near the shark now, his teeth biting into her leg with some drips of blood pondering in the water. I went back down into the water until I was facing parallel towards the shark’s stomach. I raised my arm with the metal rod and slammed it right in the middle of his stomach. As soon as it hit him, his flippers began twirling around like crazy. By the time I took a breath, he had disappeared off somewhere into the ocean. I glanced at the girl, her eyes were closed, her cheeks were cold and she was floating, still, on top of the sea. I tightened my arms around her and dragged her back to shore. She laid there, on the sand, making no movements. I gently put two fingers against her neck to see if she had a pulse. I could hear her shallow breathing. I looked at her bruised leg. I could see the teeth marks and some blood leaking out. I ran inside the house, grabbed a washcloth. I pulled out a couple cubes of ice from the refegerator. Wrapping the washcloth around the ice, I ran back outside to meet the girl. She was still lying there as calm as the sunset. I softly settled the cloth on her jagged scar. I sat there next to her, glazing my eyes at the ocean, the sun drying my wet clothes. The girl slowly started opening her eyes. Her blue eyes starring at me. She lifted her head and sat up next to me. There was an eerie silence. “Um Hi,” she spoke in curiosity. “Hi,” I spoke in confidence. “What happened?” She put her hands on her forehead. “A shark was attacking you,” I replied. She looked down at her legs and shock came upon her eyes. “Oh my god.” Her mouth dropped and her golden eyebrows rose. “Then what am I still doing here?” she asked suspiciously. “I saved you,” I sighed, looking directly in her eyes. She froze as she stroked her long hair back, under her ears. “Well, thank you so much.” There was a pause. “I-I would have never been able to do what you just did.” She looked at her legs and back at me. I read her face; she was still in shock. “It’s okay, I’m just glad that you’re still a live”. She chuckled a little. “But um, I’ve never seen you here before.” “I just moved here and I don’t really know anyone here.” “Well, It’s nice to meet you, I’m Melanie.” I smiled warmly and lifted my hand up. “You too, I’m Ocean,” she smiled and shook my hand. “Ocean, that’s a nice name. It’s very….unique,” I said pulling my legs into my chest. “Thanks. My dad loves the Ocean…so do I…. we are very… close to the ocean.” She squinted her eyes and starred at the ocean.

Another week had passed and it was safe to say that Ocean and I became good friends. Everyday for the past week we hung out playing volleyball with the beach ball and swimming in the ocean. Then, there was a strange day, we were supposed to meet up at the beach but she never showed up. I decided I would take a quick swim. I stepped into the ocean, the more steps I took the farther and deeper the ocean got. I started to swim at the deep end. I floated on my back and pulled my arms over my ears and into the water as I kicked. I kept swimming straight ahead. The sun was starting to set. I hadn’t realized how far I had gotten and my arms and legs were getting tired. Then my arms and legs suddenly stopped, my eyes were shut and my brain was off. I was so tired, I had passed out. My body began sinking in the water as I was frozen. “Mmm,” I moaned as I awoke. I felt weird. I slowly opened my eyes. There were four beautiful girls surrounding me, starring at me. Some of them giggled and mumbled, “She’s awake.” One of them had blonde short hair, tied up in a bun, with blue eyes. Another girl had red long hair with green eyes. The third girl had short black hair with bangs and brown eyes. The last girl had brown hair, shoulder-length with brown eyes. Where was I? I swished my hand back and forth. I was UNDER WATER. My hair was floating seemingly in the water. I looked down and I had a TAIL. “Ahhhhhhh” I screamed. I had an orange fin and I was breathing under water. “Oh, hey!” the blonde one said. “Um, hi, am I a-a mermaid?” I asked with confusion. “Well, of course silly,” replied the brunette. I paused, in shock with many thoughts stuffed in my head. “But I-I can’t be a-a...” “Mermaid?” Ocean spoke from behind me. All the other mermaids swam off. “I don’t understand.” “I’m a mermaid, Mel… this is my home.” She sighed as she shrugged. “But how did I become a…” I asked. “You were drowning so I….I used my gift…uh my talent to convert you into a mermaid.” “But don’t worry all you have to do to change back into a human is to rub this necklace three times.” She handed me a necklace made out of clear shells. She slid it around me neck. Ocean told me that 1 hour of the human world is one day of the mermaid world. Ocean and I were flapping our fins through the ocean as Ocean told me some of their legends. Then suddenly, Oceans eyes widened and stood there. I traced where she was starring and I found myself viewing about 26 mermaids trapped in a net against a large rock. We both tilted out head up and saw a huge boat with a net coming out at us. I swam quickly out of the way, while Ocean was trapped inside the net. I was next. I had to choose between turning back into a human or saving the mermaids…my friends. The net was coming after me; I swam as fast as I could. I hid inside one of the caves as the net swam off. I curled myself inside the cave. A tear ran down my cheeks. I didn’t know what to do. I had to be strong. That’s when my luck changed. I found a knife lying on a coral. I snatched it and swam out of the cave. I swam towards Ocean. I cut the net until it was wide enough for Ocean to escape. Then I faced the other mermaids, letting them free. They all thanked me. “Oh, thank you Mel., you saved me again,” Ocean thanked me as she hugged me. “No problem,” I said with a bright smile. “Well, I think you should turn back into a human before your parents worry”, Ocean spoke wisely. “Yeah, you’re probably right,” I agreed. I rubbed my necklace three times. Bubbles started surrounding me and I started to twirl in it like a tornado. I ended up on the sand, when I opened my eyes. I stared out into the ocean with the necklace still around me as a remembrance of Ocean. I looked back into the ocean and Ocean was waving to me. I laughed as I waved back to her. She jumped back into the ocean as I went inside the house to write about my adventure.